Truth be told, I wrote this on February 21st, still apprehensive to share my feelings. Felt it was high time to post it, so here you go.
I’ve spent the past three weeks crying everytime someone asks me about work. Tears on command. If you approach me about going back to work/ how is work?/ what are you doing for work? I will cry. My poor husband. I’ve just been upset about it. Reluctant. I miss the baby. Anytime I think about the obligation of leaving the house to work, on comes the flood – no, make that a tsunami – of anxieties. They arise and wash over me, diluting any rational thoughts. My first fear was that I would lose precious moments with B. My next thought was that our bond would weaken, that he would love the nanny more than me, etc. etc. until my eyes well up and big alligator tears start to streak down my face.
I then found myself blaming others. Turning myself into a victim of the circumstance – a hostage. Poor me and all the expectations placed on me – blah, blah, BLAH. What bullshit.
I realized that I am not the person who becomes sullen and resentful when I make hard decisions. I can do hard things. I can do hard things with a smile. I can do hard things and make sacrifices AND be happy. I can thrive and do hard things.
This season of life for me is about learning. And when I need to learn, I need space and time to do that. Although we have a new baby, things are never going to be this slow again. I may not have this much time to easily and affordably work. There will be a season for staying at home. There will be a season for bigger houses and acreage. That is not this season – my child can’t even walk yet. Let him be crawling.
I also spent the last four years changing. Wriggling around in new skin over and over again. I was starting a business, then I got married, then I had a baby. A lot of dreams came true. The best dreams came true! My first round of big dreams are realized. But with all growth is true transformation. With all transformation is a shedding of the old to welcome in the new. Time for me to shed some skin – anyone had a facial without extractions and exfoliation? Nope. It’s part of the gig. It hurts, but it’s worth it.
I need to take a step back and get to know myself again. Life is a journey and I need to get used to being joyful and happy through every stage of the journey. Isn’t that what I want my kids to know?
Right now is the time for the sloughing off of things that just don’t make sense – clients and business models that aren’t serving me anymore, and that I’m not passionate about. It’s time to reframe everything.
So, what about work? I am working in-house with a client full-time. I get to work with a team again, and I get to learn new skills, and I get to discover new passions and new approaches. This is me doing what’s right for me – what is maximizing my time and talent. I had myself pegged and labeled as an entrepreneur. I liked that too. My ego loved that. How cool and big am I? So cool and big. But no, that’s not who I am – that’s something I did. And probably will do again.
For now, I have to take a step away from that just to re-find my core, and that’s what I need to do. It’s not always easy to be humbled and to take a step back, but sometimes it’s what’s necessary. After crying every single day on my way to this new “job”, it’s time for me to reframe my crying time and turn it into reflecting time. To be grateful, and to think about what I’m liking or not liking, and to get back in touch with who I am, and what I want.
I am asking myself, “How can I best serve? How can I be meaningful and purposeful in what I do?” Then challenge myself over and over again to reevaluate that, and allow that to take me where I need to go. I’m best when I’m pushing myself. Pushing myself to think creatively about where I fit, and do I like it?